If you would have asked me 4 years ago when I first started dating Dan if I wanted to have kids, I would have said... "Yes! Of course!" I was 23 years old. I had my kid's names picked out, how I was going to decorate their nursery, plans for day care, etc. Now, at 27 years old and four years later, if you would ask me that very same question, I would probably respond, "No, not really." What changed you ask? I dunno... and that question has been weighing heavily on my heart lately.
The time is quickly approaching that Dan and I are going to need to start having serious conversations about what the next step is in our lives together. We've talked in great detail on this topic and are constantly going back and forth about whether or not kids are even in the cards for us. It isn't that we don't like kids, its more so that we just don't know if kids are for us.
You see, I have a husband that works probably around 70+ hours a week and is on a rotating schedule, which means we have no consistency in our lives. He also could be subpoenaed into court whenever the judge's heart desires, which makes planning something (such as daycare) even more difficult. We don't have any close family that lives near us... ie. parents, siblings or grandparents... which causes me to feel like I would practically be raising a child completely on my own since my husband would be working all the time. Because of all this, I feel like I would have to be a stay at mom because how would I ever find daycare that would work with the hours we needed? Then I think about school... Goodness, I just spent the last 8 years of my life getting a Master's degree to be a stay at home mom... that was smart! Then you have the money situation... how could we even afford a child if I was not working? Dan would have to work even more than he does now and probably never see his family and that just doesn't seem fair...
When I tell people we might not have kids, their response is always... "Of course you will!" or "Don't say that!" My first reaction to that is... "Why the hell shouldn't I say that?" So what if we don't have kids? Does that make us bad people? Why would I have kids just because you think I should? You surely aren't the one raising them? Uhhhhggg!
Okay, so let's say we don't have any kids? Now I feel guilty. I feel like I would be causing Dan to miss out on something... I feel like I would be causing my parents to miss out on the chance to ever have grandchildren (I'm an only child)... and I feel like I would always be wondering if someday I would regret the decision.
Let's say we do have kids? Of course, I'm sure I would love them like crazy and we would make it like everyone else does, but when I seriously STOP TO THINK about it there is definitely a lot that holds me back.
I know there are millions of people out there in a more difficult situation than what we are and they make it work just fine. I know that if I would have gotten pregnant when we first were married I wouldn't have had a second thought about it. But now that I'm older and I truly think EVERYTHING through ad nauseam, I can't help but think that kids aren't the right decision for us. I have so many mixed emotions when I think about that... I don't even know if that is how I truly feel.
I'm sure only time will tell... but it's exhausting to think about it all the same.
2 comments:
I too had plans for kids when I was "younger" and much has changed as I have gotten older and think things through. I was talking to a friend of my the other day about this topic and just age in general because I just turned 30 and she is getting ready to turn 30 and getting married. She feels behind. She always thought she would be in a different place by now, married with maybe 2 kids. Someone made a comment to her about not wanting to be "old" when they have children and she was a bit offended. But I told her I would rather be "old" than "young" having kids. I am one of the youngest moms here in Bloomington. Most of the moms I meet have Masters and Doctors and have had a career for several years and then moved on to this stage. I feel like I would have been a very different mom if I had babies in my early 20's and NOT in a good way.
As for people telling you that you will change your mind. I am guessing they just know that at 27 it is hard to make a decision that won't possibly change. Just like 4 years ago you felt differently than you do now, 4 years from now you might be in another place on the same subject. And maybe you will feel the same way, but you will have more clarity on your choice and more life experience under your belt to back up your choice.
I think the biggest key is to live for the now. I know it is hard and I never took this advice and I always regret it. I am trying really hard to live in the present now. The country song, "Your gonna miss this," is soooo true.
Just my two cents. Take em or leave em. ;)
As a police wife I feel your pain about the long work hours. When our son was born, my husband was called in while we were still in the hospital and he had to go- he had no choice. I was so upset. It's definitely hard being a mother and raising a child when your husband is on a rotating schedule. Sometimes, I feel like I am a single mom because my husband works the weirdest hours. But I really don't think I'd have it any other way. I know it will be hard when he grows up to have my husband miss out on games, recitals, etc. because of his job, but I know that we made the right decision in having a baby. Our son is the best thing thats happened to us! I guess its one of those things that you don't know how it will affect your life until it happens. Whatever path you choose, just do what is going to make you and your husband happy :)
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